Things I Wish Never Happened II

Gentle Readers, I don't know if this has come up in earlier posts, but I am a huge fan of the James Bond series. I am crazy about these movies and I have the books, the collectible stuff et cetera. I actually saw Casino Royale 11 times at the show. Ok, that's obsessive, but I am totally a James Bond geek.

I have my favourite list of actors who have portrayed James Bond that goes, Sean Connery (naturally); a tie for second with Pierce Brosnan and Daniel Craig (although, if Craig's next outing as 007 is as good as Casino Royale, he may be nudging out Brosnan); third is Timothy Dalton (yeah, I know, but I like my Bonds darker with a bit of a dangerous edge); followed by Roger Moore (the guy doesn't look like he could take a punch much less deliver one); and finally the abominable George Lazenby (although On Her Majesty's Secret Service is a good Bond movie overall).

I can pretty much sit through the jolly Roger Moore years and enjoy the movies. The Spy Who Loved Me (1977) is pretty good as is For Your Eyes Only (1981), however, this post is entitled, "Things I Wish Never Happened," and that pretty much sums up the completely dreadful Moonraker (1979).

Moonraker was Roger Moore's fourth crack at the James Bond bat and the eleventh film in the series of "official" Bond movies. Directed by Bond veteran Lewis Gilbert (You Only Live Twice), Moonraker follows 007 on his mission to track down a space shuttle that went "missing" during transport on the back of a jet. The movie has the usual globe hopping from California to Venice, the Amazon and then finally outer space. Yes, Bond actually fights a battle in space! The Bond villain is the owner of the space shuttle company, Hugo Drax who has the requisite plans for global domination. Michael Lonsdale (Munich) is actually pretty good as the villain and Lois Chiles (Broadcast News) does duty (or penance?) as "Bond girl with brains," Holly Goodhead.

I can't express how truly bad this movie is. It's the film equivalent of leaving milk on a radiator for 2 weeks. It's bad, like, dropped out of high school, started smoking, knocked up it's girlfriend and robbed a liquor store bad. In fact, I usually try to forget that Moonraker even exists. And don't even get me started on that crappy henchman Jaws. He was alright in The Spy who Loved Me, but dude falls out of a plane at 30, 000 feet with no parachute and doesn't die! What the...? The acting is wooden, the plot is way, way out there even for a James Bond movie and it's obvious that the producers were only interested in cashing in on the box office success of Star Wars two years earlier. (It seems to have worked, with a budget of $34 million U.S., Moonraker's total worldwide box office was $210, 300, 000 U.S,) However, that doesn't mean that this movie didn't suck. I mean, look at the girls in the poster. they seem to be begging, "Please James. Please get us out of this movie!" I am so saddened by this movie that I'm glad that Ian Fleming was dead when they made it because he probably would have died after seeing it.